Emotions: 17 Things You Need to Know About Your Feelings

February 17, 2018 by Emma Cameron 4 Comments

Emotions: We all have them, but we may not have been taught much about them.

Let’s put that right. Here are some basic facts about emotions that you’ll probably find it helpful to know.

1. Emotions just are

Core emotions arise outside of our conscious control, often in order to flag up a situation in which a response may be required. Emotions are designed to help us sense quickly whether to move towards something, move away from it, or even freeze or act dead.

For example, if you see a truck thundering towards you, your core emotion of fear stimulates you to run before you’ve even had time to think. Or when you accidentally take a swig of sour milk, your core emotion of disgust causes you to spit it out immediately.

2. There are seven ‘core emotions’

Seven basic ‘core emotions’ are believed to be genetically inbuilt. These are:

Fear
Anger
Sadness
Disgust
Joy
Excitement
Sexual Excitement

So what about all those other emotions, such as love, pride, compassion, surprise, vulnerability, despair, boredom and awe? Different researchers classify these in various ways.

One idea that I think is particularly helpful, is the notion of ‘inhibitory emotions’; these are Anxiety, Guilt, and Shame. More on this later.

3. Emotions happen in the body, not just in the brain

We learn (if we are lucky) to put names to emotions. But the experience of emotion lies mainly in the body.

Sadness, for example, might feel like a weight or sinking feeling in your chest, a constriction in your throat, trembling around your mouth and/or a tearful feeling around your eyes.

Tuning in to your body’s experience and developing your ability to find accurate words and/or images to go with what you’re feeling (particularly in your limbs, gut, chest, throat and face), is a key way to help yourself manage your emotions better.

Emotions: 17 things you need to know about your feelings. Click To Tweet

4. There’s an important difference between ‘regulated’ and ‘dysregulated’

Any emotion can be experienced as dysregulated or as regulated.

When your nervous system is dysregulated, you may feel upset, stressed and overwhelmed (although if you’ve had to be very defended and cut-off from your feelings, you may even have developed the ability to be unaware of your physiologically dysregulated state).

Here’s an example: A dysregulated sadness may feel traumatic, overwhelming and unbearable.

However, when your sadness is regulated, somehow it will feel ‘right’ and within your ‘window of tolerance’, even though you feel heartfelt sadness or grief.

You can learn to get better at regulating your feelings with practice, and with the right support.

5. Experiencing a feeling is not the same as acting on it

Some people are confused by this, imagining that having an emotion is the same as acting on it. They may mistakenly think that feeling angry means they should do something, like hit out or shout at someone.

But just because you’re having a feeling, you do not have to act on it.

Instead, you can manage it by feeling it, naming it, and maybe even acting on it in fantasy or depicting it in a drawing. You can also talk about it with an appropriate person (whether that’s the person who triggered the feeling, or someone such as your therapist or good friend).

6. You can change how you respond to emotions

You can actually teach your nervous system to tolerate emotions, and to separate them out from one another. For many of us, feelings can be bound together, so that (for example) every time we feel sad, we feel anxious.

It’s possible to learn ways of changing this. How? You’ll find my book recommendation at the end of this post. And working with an experientially-oriented psychotherapist can be invaluable (more on this later).

7. You can experience more than one emotion at the same time

When you are starting to work at tuning in to your feelings, everything may seem quite muddled.

This can be for a variety of reasons, but one of them may be that you are actually experiencing a range of emotions at once. Gradually you can learn to distinguish between your different feelings, and work with them one by one.

It can also be helpful to name them using the word ‘and’ between the words. For example, ‘I’m feeling joy AND fear AND excitement’. (Don’t use ‘but’, because that can undermine and muddle the feeling that came before).

8. You can feel opposite emotions in the same moment

Have you ever tried to soothe an unwell baby who’s been screaming for half an hour? Then you’ll know how it’s perfectly possible to feel love, fear and anger, all at the same time.

Or if you’ve waved your child off to school or university, you’ll probably have experienced joy and sadness, together.

9. You can’t think your way through a Core Emotion – you have to feel it in order to process it

Core emotions come from the body in conjunction with the brain’s limbic system, which includes lower-level brain structures such as the amygdala and insula.

When we try and bypass this experiential feeling level, and jump straight to higher-level brain processes (such as conscious thinking and talking-about, avoiding the visceral body feeling), the emotion cannot be processed effectively and will remain stuck, causing problems and blocks.

10. ‘Inhibitory Emotions’ evolved to help you fit in socially

The inhibitory emotions of anxiety, shame and guilt are unpleasant, and in some cases can even place severe limits on your day-to-day life. But they developed during childhood as useful, adaptive mechanisms that helped you stay connected in some way to your caregivers.

Inhibitory emotions also help keep society civilised and running smoothly. (Can you imagine a society where no-one ever felt any shame or guilt, and just did whatever they felt like at any time?)

The trouble with the inhibitory emotions, though, is that they can go too far and may cause a lot of problems.

What was helpful and adaptive to you as a child (e.g. keeping quiet and hiding your anger) may become a growing problem in adulthood (e.g. not feeling able to speak up about unfair situation in the workplace).

What's the difference between 'Core Emotions' and 'Inhibitory Emotions'? Click To Tweet

11. Emotions (even ‘negative’ ones) can eventually take you to a good place

When you can properly feel and process a core emotion, you may come out the other side sensing a profound relief. Something feels ‘true’ and ‘right’.

And as therapist Diana Fosha* explains, “No matter how scary emotions can sometimes seem, if we allow ourselves to process and metabolise them, they will invariably take us to a good place”.

She offers some examples. “Grief will lead us to eventual acceptance [….] Anger to experiences of strength, clarity and empowerment on behalf of the self and our need for what’s just and right. Fear will lead us to seek safety. Joy to exuberance, energy, and an expansion of our willingness to connect and explore with zest.”

Fosha adds, “There is a pot of adaptive gold awaiting the complete processing of each core emotion. And that pot of gold is constituted of resilience, clarity, and improved capacity to know what we need in a way that can inform our actions.”

12. Defences help us manage our emotions – but there’s a cost

Our minds are wonderfully creative. Over time, and unconsciously, we have created defences in order to protect ourselves from our emotions.

Defences help us avoid painful or awkward confrontations, interactions, feelings, and conflicts. When you are using a defence, you might know it – but it’s most likely that you’ll be completely unaware.

Defences can range from psychological processes such as denial, dissociation and projection (I plan to explain some of these terms in a future blog post) through to things like intellectualising, worrying, sarcasm, joking, vagueness, judging others, and changing the subject. (It’s often much easier to spot these defences in others, than in ourselves!)

Activities can be used as defences, too. These might include overeating, substance use, spending, self-harm, compulsions, or working too much.

Even things like tiredness, perfectionism, secretiveness or procrastination get used as defences against feelings.

We all use defences, and there are times when it will be helpful to employ a defence rather than to go into a core emotion (for example, when you need to concentrate on the task at hand rather than explore your feelings there and then).

But it’s beneficial to raise your awareness of your own use of defences, so that you can help yourself connect to core emotions when you need to.

And of course some defences, such as addictions, can be downright harmful.

13. Naming your emotions is very helpful

When we put words and labels to feelings and body sensations, we bring in parts of the brain that can help us regulate our emotions. Try and name the basic feeling (e.g. “I am feeling sad”) and then see if any other words come up to help refine the description.

For example, other words that could apply if you’re feeling sad might include empty, despairing, ashamed, or flat. Other sensations/ qualities of the sadness might include feeling weighed down, hollow, weak, or untethered.

14. Emotional memories can be changed

Strong emotion sends a signal to the brain that something important is happening, that may even be a matter of life-and-death.

Our brains are wired to take notice of emotion-laden experiences, and remember aspects of them for the future. Unfortunately this is particularly true of negative emotions.

We can’t erase memories, and obviously we can’t change the past; but with a bit of work we may be able to change how we feel about the past.

Psychotherapy can make use of a process called ‘memory reconsolidation’. This isn’t as scary or strange as it may sound.

Memory reconsolidation refers to ways of working with emotionally-charged memories that don’t remove the memories, but instead alter their emotional meaning and effects.

15. There’s a spectrum of emotional sensitivity

Emotions just are, and we don’t get to pick and choose our feelings. And there’s a spectrum.

Some of us are highly sensitive, with a tendency to feel emotions deeply and powerfully, whilst others simply don’t experience emotions with as much intensity.

There’s no good or bad, right or wrong about how emotionally sensitive you are. It’s best to try and avoid judging other people (or yourself) for being too sensitive or not sensitive enough. We’re just built differently, and that’s fine.

16. The Change Triangle is a helpful way of understanding your relationship with your emotions

I’m going to write more about The Change Triangle** in a future post. Basically, The Change Triangle is a helpful, practical way to help you understand, connect to, and manage your feelings, so you get to spend more time in an ‘openhearted’ state.

The openhearted state is characterised by seven words that all begin with ‘C’***:

Calm
Curious
Connected
Compassionate
Confident
Courageous
Clear

This openhearted state is also called ‘The Self’ in IFS, the ‘Observing Self’ in ACT, and has parallels in other spiritual traditions and psychological theories. Some of us are often in this state, others rarely, with the rest of us falling somewhere in between. We can all learn to increase the proportion of our time spent in this state, by developing our ability to access and move through our core emotions.

17. Not all therapists work with emotions in the same way

Therapy can be a massive investment in your time, energy, and money. It’s a good idea to choose your therapist carefully in order to get the most benefit from your investment.

A therapy approach in which you just talk about things in a more distanced, vague or cognitive way, is not going to effectively access and process the deeper emotional layers.

If you are interested in listening to your body’s messages, uncovering and processing your core emotions, and connecting with your authentic self, look for a therapist who actively uses experiential methods (feeling and working directly with emotions in the room).

Such experiential psychotherapy approaches include Integrative Arts Psychotherapy (and other arts therapies), AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), IFS (Internal Family Systems), Focusing, Emotion-Focused Therapy, Hakomi, Gestalt therapy, Somatic Experiencing, Sensorimotor Psychotherapy, and ISTDP (Intensive Short-Term Dynamic Psychotherapy).

If you are looking at psychoanalytic or psychodynamic psychotherapy, ask your potential therapist if they work in an experiential, relational way (some do, but not all).

It’s also important to choose a therapist who has done a lot of deep emotional work in their own therapy. I believe that a therapist can’t really take you further than they’ve been themselves, particularly when it comes to accessing and handling the full range of emotions.

Where to go next

I highly recommend that you start by reading Hilary Jacobs Hendel’s excellent 2018 book, ‘It’s Not Always Depression: A New Theory of Listening to Your Body, Discovering Core Emotions and Reconnecting with Your Authentic Self’.

This book is an interesting, practical read for anyone who is interested in personal growth and emotions. It’s also available in Audiobook form, so you can listen to it as you drive, exercise or do chores.

If you’re looking for an experiential therapist or counsellor in Essex/ Suffolk, contact me to discuss your needs and whether I can be of service. I also offer online counselling for those further afield.

I hope this blog post has provided a helpful starting point for your further explorations into your emotional world. Remember that it should not and cannot replace the advice of your doctor or other medical provider, who knows you and your unique circumstances and needs.

Do let me know your thoughts, questions and ideas in the comments below!

*Diana Fosha, in her foreword to Hilary Jacobs Hendel’s book, detailed above.

**The Change Triangle (sometimes known as ‘Malan’s Triangle of Conflict’) is the subject of Hilary Jacobs Hendel’s book.

***The seven C’s were identified by Richard Schwartz, developer of Internal Family Systems Therapy (IFS)

How to Calm Down – Tree Visualisation

February 10, 2018 by Emma Cameron Leave a Comment

How to Calm Down, Part 1: Tree Visualisation

This is the first of an occasional series of blog posts where we’ll take a look at several different ideas for how to calm down.

When your anxiety’s been triggered and you’re feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it may be hard to figure out how to calm down.

Your body’s jittery and tense, your chest feels tight, and your stomach’s churning.

So if you’re a person who values creativity and the imagination, here’s something to try: the Tree Visualisation.

How to calm down: Tree Visualisation Click To Tweet

The Tree Visualisation can be used at home, and also when you’re out and about. You can adapt it for use in a public place, as the slight movements involved are very subtle and no-one need know what you’re doing. You can even do it with your eyes open.

Tip: If you also practice this at times when you are not feeling tense, it will gradually become easier to do when you are caught up in the grip of anxiety and stress.

How to Calm Down, Part 1: Tree Visualisation

What to Do

1. Sit Comfortably

Sit upright so you feel well supported.

Have your feet flat on the floor. Rock your feet a few times back and forward, so the ball of your foot and your heel take turns contacting and leaving the floor.

Your hands can either be settled in your lap, resting on the chair’s arms, or exerting gentle pressure on your chest and abdomen.

Close your eyes (optional, and only if it’s safe to do so).

2. Imagine a Tree

Imagine a tree. Picture the whole tree: the trunk, the branches, the leaves, even the roots.

In your mind, see if you can ‘become’ the tree.

Use your imagination to get an inner sense of what it’s like to be this tree.

Feel into your trunk, your branches, your leaves.

Picture the colours, imagine the textures; maybe you can even almost smell the earthy aroma of the tree. Perhaps you can feel the gentle breeze rustling your leaves, the sun warming your bark.

Now, as the tree, visualise your root system. Feel what it’s like to have fully developed roots that extend deep into the earth, confidently seeking out nourishment and water and keeping you stable and solid, even in the strongest wind.

3. Breathing

Now imagine breathing up through your roots and out through your branches, and then the opposite – inhale through the branches and exhale through the roots. Go back and forth with this a few times until you feel you are calming down.

You might also like to imagine sending any stresses and tensions deep down into the earth through your roots; and then bring back up the calming, nourishing, nurturing, grounding, energising vitality of the earth up through your roots and into your trunk, branches and leaves.

Deepening the experience

You could also try adding to the tree visualisation when you’re outdoors.

Find a tree that you feel drawn to, and take time to closely observe it. Touch the bark, and the leaves, and think of words that could describe the textures.

Notice how the light falls on the branches and foliage. Inhale deeply, taking in any scents.

Sit or stand with your back against the tree trunk. With your eyes either open or closed (depending on how safe you feel) concentrate on getting some sense of the tree’s presence and energy inside you.

Even if you can only do this to a small degree, it can still have an impact. Having had this real sensory experience will also help deepen your future practice of the tree visualisation.

Has this been useful for helping you calm down? What aspects worked for you? And did you find yourself adding extra elements to make the tree visualisation more effective for you? Let us know in the comments below.

Note: If you have been finding it hard to calm down, please consult with your physician/ GP. There may be physical or psychological issues that need to be addressed in conjunction with a medical professional. This blog post does not constitute medical advice and is not a substitute for medical treatment.

Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Online Counselling – Part 1

February 3, 2018 by Emma Cameron 2 Comments

The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Online Counselling – Part 1

Have you ever wondered if online counselling could be suitable for you as an HSP? That’s a question I often get asked, which is why I’ve written this: the highly sensitive person’s guide to online counselling and therapy.

As a highly sensitive person, you’re someone who generally likes to consider things in depth, looking at ideas from different angles, before you come to a decision.

In this post, which is Part 1 of the highly sensitive person’s guide to online counselling, we’ll take a look at 9 advantages, and disadvantages, of online counselling from the point of view of someone who has the highly sensitive trait.

The highly sensitive person's guide to online counselling #HSP Click To Tweet

And in Part 2 of the highly sensitive person’s guide to online counselling (coming soon), we’ll be taking a look at some questions you can ask yourself once you have started working with an online therapist.

A quick explainer: Online counselling is also sometimes termed web-based therapy, virtual counselling, e-therapy, distance counselling, or teletherapy. It can be delivered via video (similar to Skype, although other platforms are normally used due to security concerns), instant chat (your online therapist can explain what this is, if you aren’t sure), phone (or VOIP which stands for ‘Voice Over Internet Provider’) or email.

Therapy Online, or Face-to-Face: Which is right for you?

I’m not trying to convince you either way; I’m hoping to offer you some starting points to help you think about whether or not online counselling could be a good option for you. I’m experienced (and trained) in working with Highly Sensitive clients both face-to-face (in Essex, UK) and also online, so I like to think I have a foot in both camps.

What to consider when you’re wondering if online counselling’s right for you as an HSP

There are lots of great things about online therapy, but it’s not a good fit for everyone.

Here in the Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Online Counselling I’ve come up with a list of 9 advantages of web-based counselling, along with ways in which, on the other hand, it may not suit you, depending on your personal preferences and needs.

1. Convenience

Advantages

Probably the biggest reason people choose to work with a therapist online instead of face-to-face, is that it can be so convenient. You don’t have to spend time, money and effort getting to your therapist’s consulting room. There’s no worrying about finding a parking space, or your bus being late. You can even have your counselling session in your lunch hour, and still have a few minutes to grab a sandwich and make a coffee.

On the Other Hand…

Many people find that the time they spend travelling to and from their therapist’s office is a much-needed ‘buffer’ time, an important part of their transition between different modes of being. If you’re a highly sensitive person, this may feel even more necessary.

2. Privacy

Advantages

If you’re worried about colleagues or friends asking ‘where are you going?’, or spotting you walking in to a counselling centre, you may appreciate the way that you can access online therapy from the privacy of your own space.

And occasionally a therapist’s consulting room is not as well soundproofed as it might be, leaving you with concerns about being overheard from outside when you are in the room with them.

However in online video counselling, besides being alone in the room, the therapist generally uses earphones or a headset, so you’re not going to be overheard by anyone else (on their end, at least).

Some people access online therapy via their mobile phones, after driving their car to a secluded spot and parking there during their session. (This is something to discuss with your online therapist, as there are a few factors to consider).

On the Other Hand…

If you live or work with other people, it may be hard to find a quiet place where you won’t be overheard or disturbed during your phone or video session. Accessing online counselling via text-based platforms might suit you better – or of course you may be best served by seeing a therapist face-to-face in their office.

3. Choice

Advantages

There may be all sorts of constraints that limit your options for finding a therapist. For example, you may require disabled access, a creche, someone based very near your workplace or home, or on your local bus route. You may have an anxiety disorder in which you are fearful of going out. Or you may have a preference for a therapist who has specific expertise in the problem you want help with, or who is trained in a particular type of therapy.

If you live in a rural community, or are an expat living abroad, it might simply be impossible to find a local therapist who you don’t already have a social connection with. So an online therapist from outside your community could be ideal for you.

On the Other Hand…

Some highly sensitive people (especially if they’ve suffered trauma) feel emotionally safer when they are in the same physical space as their counsellor. You can pick up all sorts of cues based on body language, smell, sounds from outside the room, etc.

And for some people it feels important to have a solid sense of where you both are in space: things like the dimensions of the room, orientation, and geographical location could really matter to you.

4. Working with an HSP-knowledgeable therapist

Advantages

It may not be possible to find a counsellor in your local area who is aware of the details of the HSP trait. Many HSP’s prefer to work with a therapist who is knowledgeable about the trait, partly because it can save time on lengthy explanations. An HSP-knowledgeable therapist can help you identify which of your attributes are a result of the trait. They’ll help you figure out how you can adapt your individual circumstances to live as an HSP with as much ease as possible.

On the Other Hand…

It’s not essential to find a therapist who specifically states that they understand HSP’s. Many therapists and counsellors already have the empathy, skills and understanding to be able to work well with highly sensitive people, even if they don’t know there is such a thing as the HSP trait.

5. Travel

Advantages

If one week or month is never the same as the next, and you’re working in different places on different days, you may really love the flexibility of being able to access therapy from wherever you may happen to be.

And if your therapist charges for missed sessions, and you travel frequently, it’s nice to feel confident that you will be able to access your session every week.

On the Other Hand…

It can feel discombobulating to access therapy from here, there and everywhere. Some HSP’s prefer the grounding, dependable feeling of spending 50 minutes in their therapist’s office each week. So much so, that they would rather pay for a missed session that they cannot attend, than have to deal with trying to get themselves into a ‘therapy mindset’ in a hotel room or car park somewhere.

6. Home comforts

Advantages

It can be nice to know you can snuggle with your favourite cushions during your therapy session, in a warm space where you truly feel at home. You can have your favourite herbal tea beside you, and look out of the window at a reassuringly familiar view.

On the Other Hand…

If you’ve been talking at home in your online counselling session about traumatic material, you might feel that it ‘lingers’ more at home. This is one reason why it may be best not to use your bedroom for online counselling.

Many highly sensitive people like the feeling that they can somehow ‘leave behind’ their most difficult feelings in their counsellor’s consulting room, for the therapist to hold, digest and contain until the following session.

7. Wind-down in privacy

Advantages

After a therapy session, many people can feel a sense of heightened sensitivity and emotional fragility. For a highly sensitive person, leaving a therapist’s consulting room and heading straight out into busy streets and general hustle and bustle, can feel quite overwhelming. And if you’ve just had an intense and emotional session, you might not feel ready to expose your tear-streaked face and puffy eyes to the passing public. So an online session in the private venue of your choosing (such as your home) could be ideal.

On the Other Hand…

If you live with a partner or family, it can be challenging to end your online counselling session and then instantly be plunged back into the demands and interactions of family life. It might be better for you to have your session in your therapist’s office and then afterwards to spend a little time sitting in a nearby cafe (perhaps with your journal) to do a bit of processing, before you head back into the fray. (Of course, with a bit of creativity, you might be able to arrange for some private time after your session, even if you’re at home.)

8. ReliabilityAdvantages

Traffic can be a nightmare in bad weather, or when there’s been a road accident. With internet counselling that you can access from home or work, there’s no need to struggle through rain-soaked streets, or to drive through hazardous fog, spray or high winds. And you won’t miss out on a session due to snow or ice, or risk being late for your session because of roadworks, a broken-down bus or cancelled trains.

On the Other Hand…

Sometimes internet connections aren’t as good as they could be. Some HSP’s can find this so alarming that it affects their ability to feel they can rely emotionally on the therapist; they need to know that they can be heard without delays or gaps in transmission. Usually it’s possible to find a work-around (such as working via text, email, phone etc, or improving bandwidth) but of course that won’t suit everyone.

9. Flexible session times

Advantages

Especially if they are working from home and don’t have to rely on a shared consulting room being available, many online therapists are able to have more flexibility in their schedules. This way, they can sometimes accommodate changes and alterations that you may need to make with regard to your session times and days.

And online therapy delivered via email is the most flexible of all, because you and the therapist don’t have to worry about both having the exact same time slot open in your schedules.

On the Other Hand…

Too much flexibility, though, may feel like fuzzy boundaries, and can make some HSP’s feel unsafe and uncontained. Many HSP’s benefit from having their regular session time ‘set in stone’ for the same time each week. (Of course, this can be achieved in both face-to-face and online therapy.)

Could online counselling be suitable for you as a highly sensitive person? #HSP Click To Tweet

Still can’t decide?

Try it out!

It’s fine to try out a couple of different online counsellors, to see how it feels. And then having chosen one, have a few sessions to get more of a feel for how things work between the two of you.

[Tip: Choose a counsellor who has specialist training in working online; I have a Diploma in Online Therapy. Take a look on the ACTO website (for UK and international) or the Online Counselling Directory (United States).]

You may not really know if online therapy could be a good fit for you, until you’ve tried it for a while.

I hope that this article, Part 1 of The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Online Counselling, has been useful in helping you consider whether online counselling might be right for you.

In Part 2 of The Highly Sensitive Person’s Guide to Online Counselling, I’ll offer some more things that you may like to consider once you’ve started working with an online therapist.

Meanwhile, if you have experience of online counselling – whether as a client or as a therapist – what have I missed out? Please tell us in the comments below.

How Do Therapists Protect Themselves from Getting Traumatised?

January 28, 2018 by Emma Cameron 10 Comments

How Do Counsellors and Therapists Protect Themselves From Getting Traumatised?

16 Ways counsellors and therapists protect themselves against getting traumatised Click To Tweet

“I was wondering… How do counsellors and therapists protect themselves? Doesn’t listening to people’s problems and distress all day long bring you down?” my friend Laura asked me, as we walked our dogs alongside the river on a crisp, cold January morning.

As someone who sees a therapist herself, Laura knows how important it is that her therapist stays open and empathic to whatever might need to be talked about and explored in therapy.

If Laura’s therapist were to stay aloof and closed-off emotionally, then the therapy wouldn’t feel helpful or be effective.

And for a therapist, being emotionally present will mean that your clients affect you. You have real feelings in response to them and to the material they bring.

So there’s a conundrum.

Whilst remaining open and empathic to their clients’ ‘stuff’, how can therapists protect themselves from being too impacted by distress, difficult feelings and even, sometimes, trauma?

As renowned psychotherapist Patrick Casement writes, ‘Patients have taught me that when I allow myself to feel (even be invaded by) the patient’s own unbearable feelings, and I can experience this (paradoxically) as both unbearable and yet bearable, so that I am still able to find some way of going on, I can begin to ‘defuse’ the dread in a patient’s most difficult feelings.’*

Being affected by our clients is part of the healing power of the work.

Feeling Moved and Affected – But Also Protected

As therapists, it’s important to recognise and own our own vulnerability, and to manage it.

And part of that means that after the session, we need to be able to release any trauma and distress, in order to protect ourselves.

16 ways that counsellors and therapists can protect themselves from getting traumatised Click To Tweet

‘Vicarious trauma’ is trauma that arises out of witnessing or hearing about someone else’s traumatic experience. Vicarious trauma needs to be nipped in the bud, because as well as damaging therapists’ own wellbeing, it can also contribute to burnout, causing a therapist to leave the profession entirely.

Fortunately, there are all sorts of ways that counsellors and therapists protect themselves from becoming overly affected by clients’ pain.

16 Ways Therapists Protect Themselves and Prevent Vicarious Trauma

This week, a therapist posted in an online therapist group I’m part of, that she had been deeply affected by hearing some particularly traumatic material brought by one of her clients. She asked for suggestions for how she could release some of the distress and emotional disregulation that she still sensed deep inside herself.

Other therapists rallied round to offer support. They also discussed approaches that they personally had found helpful.

With their generous permission, I am going to share here some of what they said.

1. ‘Gift Box’ Visualisation

Jessica Spence says “So this may sound silly, but afterwards, I envision the session again, but this time with the client giving me a gift box of all their issues. We look at it together, examine it, feel the feels, then box it back up and I picture handing it back to the client”.

2. Moving/ Shaking Out/ Dancing

Movement can be a very powerful way to shift trauma-related energies that have become stuck.

“Sometimes I physically “shake it off” letting all my limbs release it and relax…. Also verbally yelling, making crazy nonsense noises… Sounds silly but it helps” one therapist explains.

“It’s important to be able to address vicarious trauma and to physically and emotionally release the experience. As a somatic therapist I encourage mindfulness and movement. You can try shaking it off or dancing – whatever movement resonates with you. There are some good breathing exercises that I find helpful” says another therapist.

3. Imagery

“I tend to do protective (and also grounding and nurturing) visualization/meditations before I see clients, since I mostly work with trauma and hear some pretty intense stories. I used to take on a lot of their energy/feelings. It still slips through once in a while, but I’m much better about keeping myself from “absorbing” it compared to the past. I create shields of protective light around my heart and body — this may look different for you, based on what you feel might protect you” says Carmen Schmidt.

Shannon Nemzer says she uses imagery this way: “I cut the ‘energetic cord’ between myself and client, and picture sending the client a big ball of green healing light.”

4. Body Scan Meditation

Maritza Plascenci says “I noticed a while back that whenever I have a session in which a client discloses violence it tends to trigger some weird randomized body aches. It was torture for me having worked at a domestic violence agency for 5 years because I was always in pain and didn’t know why and doctors couldn’t figure out why. The only thing that would help was doing body scan meditation and it felt as if I was reclaiming my body”.

5. Releasing Feelings

As soon as possible after the session, tune into your body and sense what needs to be released. You may need to have a cry, or to move (see above).

Connecting with someone you’re close to can really help you release some feelings, and take in some nurturing. You don’t have to break confidentiality by talking about the client’s stuff; you can just let your friend or loved one know that you need some caring support.

Music can be effective for releasing feelings, too. If there’s time after a session, perhaps you can listen to a piece of music that reflects the emotions that the client brought, followed by a different, lively upbeat piece that gets you moving and feeling energised and positive, and lastly perhaps a peaceful, calming piece that will reset your mood and energies.

6. Changing the Atmosphere

Several therapists have told me how they feel that ‘smudging’ with sage can help change the atmosphere and introduce a different energy. “I always sage off before a session (to set the space) and after (to cleanse all energies)” says Merrie Haskins.

Others say that scented candles, diffusers or simply opening a window for a while, can change the atmosphere enough for them to feel their nervous system can re-set.

7. Journaling

This could be writing, or image-making in your art journal. Knowing that it’s for no-one’s eyes but your own (and making sure you don’t write about your client but instead about your own responses and feelings) can allow for genuine and effective self-expression.

8. Art-Making

Art is one of the best ways to express complex feelings that otherwise could stay stuck in the body and mind. Draw, paint, doodle, or involve yourself in a craft such as knitting.

One therapist recently shared that he sometimes makes an abstract painting as a way of reflecting on his work with a long-term client when they end their therapy. He sees it as honouring the significant connection, and their work together. He didn’t say whether he shows the painting to the client (I suspect he may not) but it helps him personally to process that therapeutic work.

Art therapists often make artwork (outside of sessions) as part of their personal way of processing traumatic client material and protecting themselves from vicarious trauma.

Do you like the idea of art-making, but feel hesitant, or not sure where to start? Maybe you could come to one of my workshops for therapists in Essex, UK, where I’ll help you find enjoyable, meaningful ways to connect with your individual creativity.

9. Take it to Therapy

Did you think therapists were ‘beyond all that’? We aren’t! A great many counsellors and psychotherapists are actively doing our own deep healing work in our own personal therapy.

Partly because we know that we can only take our clients as far as we’ve been ourselves; and partly because new stuff crops up in an ongoing way, through the process of living (we’re not immune from losses and traumatic events, just like anyone else).

And of course our personal therapy is somewhere where we can process our feelings and responses to any client material that we find traumatic or triggering.

One therapist says that when she notices she’s getting overly affected by ‘client stuff’ between sessions “I take it to my own trauma-informed therapist. It’s so important to do so.”

Somatically-based psychotherapy can be helpful: “Some people get relief through somatic psychotherapy methods. You know, it’s all so activating of the autonomic nervous system, and then things get stuck and start affecting our bodies” says Margaret Howard.

10. Tapping

Daniela Paolone says “I do tapping ( emotional freedom technique) to clear it out of my body. That in combination with some deep breathing and affirmations really helps me.”

11. EMDR

Several therapists were very enthusiastic about EMDR treatment that they experience as part of their own personal therapy.

Margaret Howard comments “I’ve even had an EMDR session to take care of an image that was sticking with me from a session I was conducting. It can develop into PTSD just as a primary trauma can.”

Another therapist states “I could not live without EMDR in my life. Both as a therapist and a human. It allows the continuous release of material that can build up. I highly recommend it!”

And Merrie Haskins adds “As an EMDR therapist I use some of it on myself”.

12. Reiki

Brennan Mallonee says “I also trained in Reiki, and do Reiki on myself when I feel like I’m taking on clients’ energy, traumatic or otherwise. If I can tell where that energy is lodging in my body, I’ll aim some Reiki at it and visualize light dissolving it. Sometimes I do a visualization where I grow roots from my feet into the earth and then imagine light washing through me and taking all the bits of others’ energy out of my feet and into the earth, so I won’t carry it anymore”.

13. Supervision and Consultation

Supervision (sometimes called Clinical Consultation) is essential for many therapists and counsellors, and most professional organisations require it. “I found it to be very helpful. It’s helped me understand my triggers as an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) and I’ve been able to recognize the ways I have felt the same trauma play out in different but similar scenarios” says Art Therapist Sheilagh McGreal.

14. General Self-Care

We all know how important self-care is, whether it’s the warm-and-fuzzy cosy kind or the punchier get-out-there active stuff (we need both!)

One therapist says “Whenever I feel like this, I journal, acknowledge the pain, cry (a lot), self soothe by taking a bubble bath, go get a massage, treat myself, sit in silence through deep introspection.”

I’ve assembled some good self-care ideas here in ‘Floating Your Boat: Self-Care for Therapists and Counsellors’.

And here are some more ‘hidden’ ideas that counsellors and therapists could smuggle into their normal day without creating too many ripples.

And for counsellors and therapists in South-East England who want to dip into and expand their creativity in a self-care kind of way, my workshop Creative Self-Care for Counsellors and Psychotherapists could be just the thing!

15. Scheduling Carefully

Another way many counsellors and therapists protect themselves is to make sure they leave enough time between sessions to take care of any emotional issues in themselves that may come up. Celeste Labadie says, ‘I schedule my sessions with 15-30 min breaks so I can do my own [emotional and energetic] clearing after’.

16. Boundaries

Although I left this one until last, it’s actually the most important of all. If you’re starting to feel strongly affected by your clients’ traumatic material, revisit your boundary-setting and consider whether there’s something that may have slipped and might need to change. Remember, boundaries encompass emotional, relational, moral and legal domains, so try to think through each of these, ideally with another therapist or supervisor.

The Importance of Checking with Yourself

Beth Ryland explains that it’s important to be in touch with what you need in each instance, so you can determine whether you just need a small temporary adaptation or whether there’s something that requires more extensive work.

Beth remembers that after a particular session involving the processing of a client’s intense trauma, she developed her first-ever ocular migraine, which was quite a shock to her. However, “I checked in with myself and discovered that although it was very difficult (yes, I teared up in session with my client and cried later alone), it wasn’t actually traumatic for me. Awful, yes. Traumatic, no. I was able to let the difficult and awful yet non trauma thing go easier than other things I might hang onto more.”

A Brief Note on In-Session Approaches

In this article, I’ve mostly concentrated on how therapists protect themselves after and between sessions. But I just want to acknowledge that of course there are all kinds of ways that counsellors and therapists work during a session, which are intrinsically designed to ensure that both the client and the therapist remain as safe as possible. These are fundamental to every therapy training, and are the backbone of the therapeutic work. Plus, moments of shared humour in the session – as long as it is attuned and empathic – can be a wonderful way of helping both client and therapist tolerate looking at whatever difficult stuff needs to be attended to.

Closing Thoughts

Being there for my clients to help them process their difficulties – and to experience their joys and pains alongside them – is what being a therapist is all about. And I feel very honoured to be able to do this valuable and rewarding work.

Some of my clients have suffered some very distressing experiences that they need to talk about and process in therapy. And sometimes the images and feelings that people bring can be very powerful and affecting.

But a combination of good training, good luck, and all sorts of effective self-care practices, have so far meant that I have been able as a therapist to help my clients whilst also protecting myself from becoming too affected by their distress and trauma.

And of course, there are many more than 16 ways that counsellors and therapists protect themselves from getting emotionally overwhelmed by their clients’ trauma and distress. What do you use?