![\"Do](\"http:\/\/emmacameron.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/Do-Therapists-Love-Their-Clients-300x300.png\")
<\/a><\/h2>\nIf you’re in therapy, you may have wondered how your therapist feels about you. Do therapists love their clients?<\/em><\/h2>\nA few months into the therapy process, I started to wonder about love. Specifically, Do therapists love their clients?\u00a0<\/em>I remember asking my therapist directly, “How do you feel about me?” and getting the straightforward yet frustrating answer “I have lots of feelings about you; and when I think it might be helpful to tell you about them, I do”.\u00a0Hmm.<\/em>\u00a0Really, what I wanted to know was “Do you love me?”<\/em><\/p>\nDo therapists love their clients?<\/em>\u00a0I wondered. And, more to the point: Do you love me?\u00a0<\/em>I didn’t dare ask outright.\u00a0I thought the answer would either be No<\/strong>, or Yes<\/strong>.\u00a0And to be honest, the thought of getting either<\/em> of those answers was pretty scary. I certainly didn’t want to hear a No.\u00a0And yet, if I heard Yes, where would that leave me? Would my therapist somehow try and seduce me? Would I now have to live up to something or risk losing the love? Would I have some strange burden to bear?<\/em><\/p>\nSo I never asked. But for a long time I wondered: Do therapists love their clients?<\/em><\/p>\n![\"Therapy](\"http:\/\/emmacameron.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/emma-cameron.com_-300x251.png\")
<\/a><\/p>\nAnd over time, I came to realise that there is\u00a0never<\/em> a simple yes\/no dichotomy when it comes to love.\u00a0And that applies whether we’re talking about therapists and clients, romantic partners, best friends, and even parents and children (if you’ve ever been up all night with a screaming baby, or dealt with a toddler tantrum in a public place, you probably know that love is not the only<\/em> feeling you have for them!).<\/p>\nBut still… Do<\/em> therapists love their clients?<\/h3>\nI’m now a therapist. And as such, I can get the inside scoop\u00a0about such questions. In two ways.\u00a0One: I have access to my\u00a0own feelings towards my clients.\u00a0Two: I sometimes get to hear other therapists talking about their work. Not about their clients, exactly (confidentiality is taken very seriously); but about their own feelings and experiences.\u00a0Like last week.<\/p>\n
Therapists talking together<\/h3>\n
Recently I was privileged to attend a one-day masterclass\/ seminar led by Susie Orbach, one of the best-known contemporary psychotherapists in the UK. The title was \u2018Resolving Clinical Dilemmas in Therapy\u2019.\u00a0We listened to excerpts from recordings from the radio series ‘In Therapy’. In this series, Susie Orbach was the therapist, with actors playing people coming for therapy.\u00a0Orbach invited us to discuss clinical dilemmas raised. From many angles, we looked at choice-points, questions and conundrums.\u00a0Orbach gave frank, warm and layered insights and perspectives, sparked by the incredible (and impressively realistic) ‘sessions’ we heard.<\/p>\n
And yes, we talked about Love.\u00a0Therapists’ love for their clients, and clients’ love for their therapists.<\/p>\n
Love is a word that can incorporate so many layers, vagaries, and characteristics.\u00a0Love can be longing.\u00a0Love can be yearning.\u00a0Love can be a spark glimpsed, a spark of wanting to live again.\u00a0Love can be hope.\u00a0Love can be excitement, a spring in the step.\u00a0Love can be a fountain of creativity.\u00a0Love can be deep, warm comfort.\u00a0Love can be compassionate loving-kindness.\u00a0Love can be in shared smiles and laughs; even in ‘gallows humour’.\u00a0Love can be about feeling met: truly seen and heard.\u00a0Love can be holding someone in mind; thinking deeply about them.\u00a0Love can be terribly, painfully sad (think of grief and loss).\u00a0Love can be a tender, vulnerable sweetness.\u00a0And yes, sometimes love can be erotic, passionate desire.<\/p>\n
So… do they?<\/em> Do<\/em> therapists love their clients?<\/h3>\nYes.\u00a0<\/em>Not always<\/strong>. Not only<\/strong>. Not just<\/strong>.\u00a0<\/em>But love is<\/em>\u00a0very often there, playing out in its different ways.<\/p>\n“Love, in all its forms, ineffable and undefinable, is the oil that suspends the wheels and surrounds the entire mechanism so that therapeutic work can take place at all.”<\/em>\u00a0– Martha Crawford<\/a><\/p>\nDo therapists love their clients? <\/a><\/span>Share on X<\/a><\/span><\/h2>\nCOAL: Some Building Blocks of Love<\/h3>\n
In his book ‘The Mindful Therapist’<\/a> neurobiologist and psychiatrist Dr Daniel Siegel uses the acronym COAL<\/strong>. It stands for this:\u00a0Curiosity<\/strong>, plus Openness<\/strong>, plus Acceptance –<\/strong>\u00a0leads to Love<\/strong>.<\/p>\nCuriosity:\u00a0<\/em>Good therapists have a stance of being curious<\/strong>: being really, genuinely interested in and trying to deeply understand their client.<\/p>\nOpenness:\u00a0<\/em>Therapists aren’t usually that open with clients about their own private lives (with good reason). \u00a0But therapists aim to keep themselves open<\/strong> to flexible ways of thinking about the client and his\/her difficulties.\u00a0Therapists also endeavour to have an openness<\/strong> to their own intuitions and feelings about their client. They hold these in their mind alongside their thoughts about psychological theories and techniques.<\/p>\nAcceptance:\u00a0<\/em>Therapists know that if the client does not feel accepted<\/strong>, he or she will not make progress in therapy. Therapists suspend judgements and pre-set ideas about their clients.\u00a0Therapists aim to help and support the client to know, accept<\/strong> and understand all<\/em> of him\/herself. Once we feel more acceptable<\/strong>, we can make better and wiser choices in our life. (And we are in a much stronger position to truly accept<\/strong> others, too, and relate better to them).<\/p>\nAnd, um… **cough<\/em>** Do therapists hate<\/em> their clients?<\/h3>\nDo therapists hate their clients sometimes? <\/a><\/span>Share on X<\/a><\/span>\nAbsolutely they can. Again, not always<\/strong>. Not only<\/strong>. Not just<\/strong>. <\/em>Renowned psychotherapist Dr D.W. Winnicott once wrote a famous (and much-admired) paper<\/a> which included a long list of reasons for a mother to hate her baby. He was also talking about reasons therapists will, in some moments, have complex feelings about their clients, and these feelings may include hate.\u00a0He was also saying, Look, these relationships are intense, they are emotionally meaningful, and they help people to deeply change and grow: of course there will be hate, AND love, both<\/em>. (And many other feelings besides).<\/p>\n\nI have always wondered why therapists do not talk more about the healing power of love as a necessary ingredient of therapy. – Susan Pease Banitt, LCSW<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n“But I’ve heard that love in therapy is just about transference and\u00a0countertransference<\/em>.”<\/h3>\nWell, yes and no.\u00a0Transference<\/em>\u00a0is about how we transfer feelings that we have had towards influential people in our past**, on to people we meet day-to-day.\u00a0Transference happens all the time in various ways, and it’s usually evident in the therapy relationship.\u00a0(Countertransference<\/em> is just the word that gets used when we talk about the therapist’s feelings towards the client.)<\/p>\nIs love in therapy just about the transference? <\/a><\/span>Share on X<\/a><\/span>\nIf you feel loved by your therapist, this might be telling us something about your transference onto him\/ her.\u00a0And it might also<\/em> be because your therapist genuinely feels loving towards you.<\/strong><\/p>\n(Transference feelings, by the way, are really useful in therapy, so please don’t try and hide them out of awkwardness, shame, or anxiety. Speak about them with your therapist, so that this can helpfully contribute to the work you are doing together).<\/em><\/p>\nTransference isn’t fake. When we feel a transference feeling towards someone, it’s a real feeling in us (which may – or may not – give accurate information about the other person’s feelings towards us).\u00a0When a therapist feels loving (or anything else) in her countertransference towards a client, it’s a real feeling she is having. The therapist uses her own feelings partly as useful information to help guide the work, and partly as fuel and tools to help power the therapeutic work.<\/p>\n
\nWhat we are doing here, really, all boils down to love” – Dr Michael Nakkula<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\nBeholding<\/h3>\n
Do you ever sense your therapist beholding<\/strong> you – attending to you with an open-hearted curiosity, openness, and acceptance?\u00a0One word for that ‘beholding’ is love<\/em>.\u00a0It doesn’t mean your therapist desires you like a lover, or loves you like their child, or wants you as their best friend.\u00a0This kind of love is not possessive, nor is it acted out sexually.\u00a0But this kind of love – some call it ‘agape’ from the Ancient Greek word for the kind of love that a wise, caring grandparent might have for their grandchild – still counts as love.<\/p>\nDo therapists love their clients? Yes.<\/em><\/h4>\nNew York AEDP psychotherapist SueAnne Piliero, Ph.D.\u00a0puts it this way:\u00a0‘Fierce love is deeply attuning and focusing on your patients in a way that lets them know that you really see them, you really feel them, and you\u00a0really feel for them even if they can\u2019t see or feel for themselves. As\u00a0Winnicott said, \u201cWhen you are felt you exist.\u201d ‘ \u00a0– (Personal communication, 2019)<\/em><\/p>\n![\"Heart\"](\"http:\/\/emmacameron.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/emma-cameron.com-2-300x300.png\")
<\/a><\/p>\nNow. Here’s what therapists’ love should not<\/em> be:<\/h3>\n\n- ‘Psychosyrupy’<\/em><\/li>\n
- Sexual behaviour<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n
Psychosyrupy<\/em><\/h3>\nI came across this term in Jon Frederickson’s book ‘The Lies We Tell Ourselves’. Psychosyrupy<\/em> is a kind of gooey, lovey-dovey kind of pseudotherapeutic relationship which is characterised by lack of challenge, clarity and boundaries, and which might\u00a0seem<\/em>\u00a0loving but doesn’t actually help clients individuate and grow.\u00a0‘Tea-and-sympathy’ might be comforting when you are sitting with a friend or neighbour, and it certainly has its value (and yes, it can include love, sometimes)<\/em> but it is very different from what effective therapists offer.<\/p>\nTherapists’ love is not the tea-and-sympathy, psychosyrupy<\/em> kind of love.\u00a0But just because your therapist is boundaried and professional, and getting paid for their expertise and time, doesn’t mean love isn’t part of the picture.<\/p>\nLove in psychotherapy: is it psychosyrupy? <\/a><\/span>Share on X<\/a><\/span>\nEros<\/h3>\nTherapists’ love is not the acted-out-sexually kind of love.<\/h4>\n
Therapists have bodies, and feelings. It is not unknown for a therapist to have a client for whom they experience erotic feelings. Responsible therapists process these feelings in professional supervision or their own therapy. (They don’t discuss their desire with their clients, because this would not be helpful for the client’s therapeutic work).\u00a0It’s important to remember that there is a big difference between feeling<\/strong> something, versus acting<\/strong> on the feeling.\u00a0If your therapist (god forbid) tries to act out their erotic desire with you, this is not a helpful or therapeutic kind of love. This is abuse of power<\/strong>, and it is never okay (and should be reported to their professional organisation).<\/p>\nTherapists’ love can be genuine, heartfelt, nuanced and layered. And real<\/em>.<\/h3>\nMost therapists won’t tell their clients directly that they love them. There are many reasons why they don’t, some rooted in therapeutic effectiveness, and some because of concerns that it could be interpreted as manipulative or misread as an invitation. It’s not always helpful, and depending on the situation, it could even be quite the opposite.<\/p>\n
But even if they don’t say so directly: Therapists love their clients.<\/em><\/h3>\nTherapists don’t always<\/em> love their clients.\u00a0Therapists don’t feel only<\/em> love for their clients.\u00a0Therapists love their clients in various ways, at various times<\/em>.\u00a0And yes, I’m sure there are some therapists out there who never<\/em> love their clients.\u00a0But, a lot more than we might think or recognise, love is around in the therapy relationship.\u00a0Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, even described therapy as a ‘cure by love’.<\/p>\n“I’m thankful that I’ve never met a patient that I couldn’t\u00a0love\u00a0or couldn’t learn to\u00a0love.<\/em>” –\u00a0Jason Mihalko<\/a><\/p>\nAnd here’s the thing:<\/h3>\n
The challenge for clients is to discover ways to take in the love<\/em>.\u00a0To really feel loved inside.\u00a0To find ways to feel filled up by the love of others (including the therapist) and to discover the healing power of self-compassion. Not easy, for many of us. But possible<\/strong>, over time and with repeated instances and real, felt experiences.<\/p>\nThe issue, you see, isn’t so much about whether<\/em> your therapist loves you.\u00a0It’s more about whether you can make use of that love, take it in and allow it to help transform<\/em>\u00a0– and when therapy comes to an end, carry it in your heart as a precious and reliable inner resource. It’s also about learning to connect inside of yourself with your love for your own “difficult” parts (including the hurt child inside of you that feels anger and shame and sadness etc).\u00a0<\/p>\nBecause when you really feel love inside of you, and can also take in the love that others give, then you don’t have to hunt for it in unhealthy ways. And you’ll have more love to give out to others, to help make our world a more loving, fair and supportive place.<\/p>\n
AEDP (‘Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy’)<\/a> is a therapy modality that specifically works with how to help clients process their feelings and become more able to take in good things (including love and care). AEDP is becoming more widely known and practised in the UK and around the world, although it is more established in the USA where Dr Diana Fosha developed the model. I offer AEDP therapy, as well as integrative arts psychotherapy, online.\u00a0<\/p>\nHave you felt loved by your therapist? Was it hard to recognise or to take in? And were you able to use it to help you to accept and have compassion and love for yourself? And if you’re a therapist yourself, what are your thoughts on love in therapy: do\u00a0therapists love\u00a0their clients?<\/em><\/p>\nI’d love to read your comments below.<\/em><\/p>\nResources:<\/h3>\n
*You may still be able to hear BBC Radio 4’s\u00a0‘In Therapy’ via BBC iPlayer Radio<\/a>.<\/p>\nArticles:<\/h4>\n
Jodie Gale: “I love you Stutz. I love you too, Jonah”<\/a><\/p>\nAlison Crosthwait: Love in Therapy<\/a><\/p>\nMartha Crawford: Unspoken<\/a><\/p>\nJason Mihalko: Dear Young Therapist, Don’t be Afraid to Love<\/a><\/p>\nJassy Timberlake: Falling in Love<\/a><\/p>\nDr Kelly Flanagan: An Open Letter From a Therapist to his Clients\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\nDr Jeffery Smith: Attachment to Your Therapist<\/a><\/p>\nNYU Course on Love<\/a> (love in therapy is briefly mentioned)<\/em><\/p>\nLaura K. Kerr: When Soul Informs Psychotherapy<\/a><\/p>\nVideos:<\/h4>\n
Stephanie Law<\/a>\u00a0Can Therapists Love Their Clients?<\/p>\nChristine Hutchison<\/a>\u00a0Falling in Love in Therapy<\/p>\nRichard LaBrie, Psy.D<\/a>\u00a0Love for two clients and for his own therapist<\/p>\nReading For Therapists:<\/h4>\n
Diana Fosha: The Transforming Power of Affect: a Model of Accelerated Change<\/a><\/p>\nDiana Fosha (Ed.): Undoing Aloneness and the Transformation of Suffering into Flourishing<\/a><\/p>\nSusan Pease Banitt: Wisdom, Attachment and Love in Trauma Therapy<\/a><\/p>\nJoy Schaverien: Gender, Countertransference and the Erotic Transference: Perspectives from Analytical Psychology and Psychoanalysis<\/a><\/p>\nDavid Mann:\u00a0Psychotherapy: An Erotic Relationship<\/a><\/p>\n
A few months into the therapy process, I started to wonder about love. Specifically, Do therapists love their clients?\u00a0<\/em>I remember asking my therapist directly, “How do you feel about me?” and getting the straightforward yet frustrating answer “I have lots of feelings about you; and when I think it might be helpful to tell you about them, I do”.\u00a0Hmm.<\/em>\u00a0Really, what I wanted to know was “Do you love me?”<\/em><\/p>\n Do therapists love their clients?<\/em>\u00a0I wondered. And, more to the point: Do you love me?\u00a0<\/em>I didn’t dare ask outright.\u00a0I thought the answer would either be No<\/strong>, or Yes<\/strong>.\u00a0And to be honest, the thought of getting either<\/em> of those answers was pretty scary. I certainly didn’t want to hear a No.\u00a0And yet, if I heard Yes, where would that leave me? Would my therapist somehow try and seduce me? Would I now have to live up to something or risk losing the love? Would I have some strange burden to bear?<\/em><\/p>\n So I never asked. But for a long time I wondered: Do therapists love their clients?<\/em><\/p>\n And over time, I came to realise that there is\u00a0never<\/em> a simple yes\/no dichotomy when it comes to love.\u00a0And that applies whether we’re talking about therapists and clients, romantic partners, best friends, and even parents and children (if you’ve ever been up all night with a screaming baby, or dealt with a toddler tantrum in a public place, you probably know that love is not the only<\/em> feeling you have for them!).<\/p>\n I’m now a therapist. And as such, I can get the inside scoop\u00a0about such questions. In two ways.\u00a0One: I have access to my\u00a0own feelings towards my clients.\u00a0Two: I sometimes get to hear other therapists talking about their work. Not about their clients, exactly (confidentiality is taken very seriously); but about their own feelings and experiences.\u00a0Like last week.<\/p>\n Recently I was privileged to attend a one-day masterclass\/ seminar led by Susie Orbach, one of the best-known contemporary psychotherapists in the UK. The title was \u2018Resolving Clinical Dilemmas in Therapy\u2019.\u00a0We listened to excerpts from recordings from the radio series ‘In Therapy’. In this series, Susie Orbach was the therapist, with actors playing people coming for therapy.\u00a0Orbach invited us to discuss clinical dilemmas raised. From many angles, we looked at choice-points, questions and conundrums.\u00a0Orbach gave frank, warm and layered insights and perspectives, sparked by the incredible (and impressively realistic) ‘sessions’ we heard.<\/p>\n And yes, we talked about Love.\u00a0Therapists’ love for their clients, and clients’ love for their therapists.<\/p>\n Love is a word that can incorporate so many layers, vagaries, and characteristics.\u00a0Love can be longing.\u00a0Love can be yearning.\u00a0Love can be a spark glimpsed, a spark of wanting to live again.\u00a0Love can be hope.\u00a0Love can be excitement, a spring in the step.\u00a0Love can be a fountain of creativity.\u00a0Love can be deep, warm comfort.\u00a0Love can be compassionate loving-kindness.\u00a0Love can be in shared smiles and laughs; even in ‘gallows humour’.\u00a0Love can be about feeling met: truly seen and heard.\u00a0Love can be holding someone in mind; thinking deeply about them.\u00a0Love can be terribly, painfully sad (think of grief and loss).\u00a0Love can be a tender, vulnerable sweetness.\u00a0And yes, sometimes love can be erotic, passionate desire.<\/p>\n Yes.\u00a0<\/em>Not always<\/strong>. Not only<\/strong>. Not just<\/strong>.\u00a0<\/em>But love is<\/em>\u00a0very often there, playing out in its different ways.<\/p>\n “Love, in all its forms, ineffable and undefinable, is the oil that suspends the wheels and surrounds the entire mechanism so that therapeutic work can take place at all.”<\/em>\u00a0– Martha Crawford<\/a><\/p>\n In his book ‘The Mindful Therapist’<\/a> neurobiologist and psychiatrist Dr Daniel Siegel uses the acronym COAL<\/strong>. It stands for this:\u00a0Curiosity<\/strong>, plus Openness<\/strong>, plus Acceptance –<\/strong>\u00a0leads to Love<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Curiosity:\u00a0<\/em>Good therapists have a stance of being curious<\/strong>: being really, genuinely interested in and trying to deeply understand their client.<\/p>\n Openness:\u00a0<\/em>Therapists aren’t usually that open with clients about their own private lives (with good reason). \u00a0But therapists aim to keep themselves open<\/strong> to flexible ways of thinking about the client and his\/her difficulties.\u00a0Therapists also endeavour to have an openness<\/strong> to their own intuitions and feelings about their client. They hold these in their mind alongside their thoughts about psychological theories and techniques.<\/p>\n Acceptance:\u00a0<\/em>Therapists know that if the client does not feel accepted<\/strong>, he or she will not make progress in therapy. Therapists suspend judgements and pre-set ideas about their clients.\u00a0Therapists aim to help and support the client to know, accept<\/strong> and understand all<\/em> of him\/herself. Once we feel more acceptable<\/strong>, we can make better and wiser choices in our life. (And we are in a much stronger position to truly accept<\/strong> others, too, and relate better to them).<\/p>\n Absolutely they can. Again, not always<\/strong>. Not only<\/strong>. Not just<\/strong>. <\/em>Renowned psychotherapist Dr D.W. Winnicott once wrote a famous (and much-admired) paper<\/a> which included a long list of reasons for a mother to hate her baby. He was also talking about reasons therapists will, in some moments, have complex feelings about their clients, and these feelings may include hate.\u00a0He was also saying, Look, these relationships are intense, they are emotionally meaningful, and they help people to deeply change and grow: of course there will be hate, AND love, both<\/em>. (And many other feelings besides).<\/p>\n I have always wondered why therapists do not talk more about the healing power of love as a necessary ingredient of therapy. – Susan Pease Banitt, LCSW<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Well, yes and no.\u00a0Transference<\/em>\u00a0is about how we transfer feelings that we have had towards influential people in our past**, on to people we meet day-to-day.\u00a0Transference happens all the time in various ways, and it’s usually evident in the therapy relationship.\u00a0(Countertransference<\/em> is just the word that gets used when we talk about the therapist’s feelings towards the client.)<\/p>\nIs love in therapy just about the transference? <\/a><\/span>Share on X<\/a><\/span>\n If you feel loved by your therapist, this might be telling us something about your transference onto him\/ her.\u00a0And it might also<\/em> be because your therapist genuinely feels loving towards you.<\/strong><\/p>\n (Transference feelings, by the way, are really useful in therapy, so please don’t try and hide them out of awkwardness, shame, or anxiety. Speak about them with your therapist, so that this can helpfully contribute to the work you are doing together).<\/em><\/p>\n Transference isn’t fake. When we feel a transference feeling towards someone, it’s a real feeling in us (which may – or may not – give accurate information about the other person’s feelings towards us).\u00a0When a therapist feels loving (or anything else) in her countertransference towards a client, it’s a real feeling she is having. The therapist uses her own feelings partly as useful information to help guide the work, and partly as fuel and tools to help power the therapeutic work.<\/p>\n What we are doing here, really, all boils down to love” – Dr Michael Nakkula<\/em><\/p>\n<\/blockquote>\n Do you ever sense your therapist beholding<\/strong> you – attending to you with an open-hearted curiosity, openness, and acceptance?\u00a0One word for that ‘beholding’ is love<\/em>.\u00a0It doesn’t mean your therapist desires you like a lover, or loves you like their child, or wants you as their best friend.\u00a0This kind of love is not possessive, nor is it acted out sexually.\u00a0But this kind of love – some call it ‘agape’ from the Ancient Greek word for the kind of love that a wise, caring grandparent might have for their grandchild – still counts as love.<\/p>\n New York AEDP psychotherapist SueAnne Piliero, Ph.D.\u00a0puts it this way:\u00a0‘Fierce love is deeply attuning and focusing on your patients in a way that lets them know that you really see them, you really feel them, and you\u00a0really feel for them even if they can\u2019t see or feel for themselves. As\u00a0Winnicott said, \u201cWhen you are felt you exist.\u201d ‘ \u00a0– (Personal communication, 2019)<\/em><\/p>\n I came across this term in Jon Frederickson’s book ‘The Lies We Tell Ourselves’. Psychosyrupy<\/em> is a kind of gooey, lovey-dovey kind of pseudotherapeutic relationship which is characterised by lack of challenge, clarity and boundaries, and which might\u00a0seem<\/em>\u00a0loving but doesn’t actually help clients individuate and grow.\u00a0‘Tea-and-sympathy’ might be comforting when you are sitting with a friend or neighbour, and it certainly has its value (and yes, it can include love, sometimes)<\/em> but it is very different from what effective therapists offer.<\/p>\n Therapists’ love is not the tea-and-sympathy, psychosyrupy<\/em> kind of love.\u00a0But just because your therapist is boundaried and professional, and getting paid for their expertise and time, doesn’t mean love isn’t part of the picture.<\/p>\nLove in psychotherapy: is it psychosyrupy? <\/a><\/span>Share on X<\/a><\/span>\n Therapists have bodies, and feelings. It is not unknown for a therapist to have a client for whom they experience erotic feelings. Responsible therapists process these feelings in professional supervision or their own therapy. (They don’t discuss their desire with their clients, because this would not be helpful for the client’s therapeutic work).\u00a0It’s important to remember that there is a big difference between feeling<\/strong> something, versus acting<\/strong> on the feeling.\u00a0If your therapist (god forbid) tries to act out their erotic desire with you, this is not a helpful or therapeutic kind of love. This is abuse of power<\/strong>, and it is never okay (and should be reported to their professional organisation).<\/p>\n Most therapists won’t tell their clients directly that they love them. There are many reasons why they don’t, some rooted in therapeutic effectiveness, and some because of concerns that it could be interpreted as manipulative or misread as an invitation. It’s not always helpful, and depending on the situation, it could even be quite the opposite.<\/p>\n Therapists don’t always<\/em> love their clients.\u00a0Therapists don’t feel only<\/em> love for their clients.\u00a0Therapists love their clients in various ways, at various times<\/em>.\u00a0And yes, I’m sure there are some therapists out there who never<\/em> love their clients.\u00a0But, a lot more than we might think or recognise, love is around in the therapy relationship.\u00a0Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, even described therapy as a ‘cure by love’.<\/p>\n “I’m thankful that I’ve never met a patient that I couldn’t\u00a0love\u00a0or couldn’t learn to\u00a0love.<\/em>” –\u00a0Jason Mihalko<\/a><\/p>\n The challenge for clients is to discover ways to take in the love<\/em>.\u00a0To really feel loved inside.\u00a0To find ways to feel filled up by the love of others (including the therapist) and to discover the healing power of self-compassion. Not easy, for many of us. But possible<\/strong>, over time and with repeated instances and real, felt experiences.<\/p>\n The issue, you see, isn’t so much about whether<\/em> your therapist loves you.\u00a0It’s more about whether you can make use of that love, take it in and allow it to help transform<\/em>\u00a0– and when therapy comes to an end, carry it in your heart as a precious and reliable inner resource. It’s also about learning to connect inside of yourself with your love for your own “difficult” parts (including the hurt child inside of you that feels anger and shame and sadness etc).\u00a0<\/p>\n Because when you really feel love inside of you, and can also take in the love that others give, then you don’t have to hunt for it in unhealthy ways. And you’ll have more love to give out to others, to help make our world a more loving, fair and supportive place.<\/p>\n AEDP (‘Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy’)<\/a> is a therapy modality that specifically works with how to help clients process their feelings and become more able to take in good things (including love and care). AEDP is becoming more widely known and practised in the UK and around the world, although it is more established in the USA where Dr Diana Fosha developed the model. I offer AEDP therapy, as well as integrative arts psychotherapy, online.\u00a0<\/p>\n Have you felt loved by your therapist? Was it hard to recognise or to take in? And were you able to use it to help you to accept and have compassion and love for yourself? And if you’re a therapist yourself, what are your thoughts on love in therapy: do\u00a0therapists love\u00a0their clients?<\/em><\/p>\n I’d love to read your comments below.<\/em><\/p>\n *You may still be able to hear BBC Radio 4’s\u00a0‘In Therapy’ via BBC iPlayer Radio<\/a>.<\/p>\n Jodie Gale: “I love you Stutz. I love you too, Jonah”<\/a><\/p>\n Alison Crosthwait: Love in Therapy<\/a><\/p>\n Martha Crawford: Unspoken<\/a><\/p>\n Jason Mihalko: Dear Young Therapist, Don’t be Afraid to Love<\/a><\/p>\n Jassy Timberlake: Falling in Love<\/a><\/p>\n Dr Kelly Flanagan: An Open Letter From a Therapist to his Clients\u00a0<\/a><\/p>\n Dr Jeffery Smith: Attachment to Your Therapist<\/a><\/p>\n NYU Course on Love<\/a> (love in therapy is briefly mentioned)<\/em><\/p>\n Laura K. Kerr: When Soul Informs Psychotherapy<\/a><\/p>\n Stephanie Law<\/a>\u00a0Can Therapists Love Their Clients?<\/p>\n Christine Hutchison<\/a>\u00a0Falling in Love in Therapy<\/p>\n Richard LaBrie, Psy.D<\/a>\u00a0Love for two clients and for his own therapist<\/p>\n Diana Fosha: The Transforming Power of Affect: a Model of Accelerated Change<\/a><\/p>\n Diana Fosha (Ed.): Undoing Aloneness and the Transformation of Suffering into Flourishing<\/a><\/p>\n Susan Pease Banitt: Wisdom, Attachment and Love in Trauma Therapy<\/a><\/p>\n Joy Schaverien: Gender, Countertransference and the Erotic Transference: Perspectives from Analytical Psychology and Psychoanalysis<\/a><\/p>\n David Mann:\u00a0Psychotherapy: An Erotic Relationship<\/a><\/p>\n![\"Therapy](\"http:\/\/emmacameron.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2017\/02\/Do-Therapists-Love-Their-Clients.png\")
<\/a><\/p>\nBut still… Do<\/em> therapists love their clients?<\/h3>\n
Therapists talking together<\/h3>\n
So… do they?<\/em> Do<\/em> therapists love their clients?<\/h3>\n
Do therapists love their clients? <\/a><\/span>Share on X<\/a><\/span><\/h2>\n
COAL: Some Building Blocks of Love<\/h3>\n
And, um… **cough<\/em>** Do therapists hate<\/em> their clients?<\/h3>\nDo therapists hate their clients sometimes? <\/a><\/span>Share on X<\/a><\/span>\n
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“But I’ve heard that love in therapy is just about transference and\u00a0countertransference<\/em>.”<\/h3>\n
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Beholding<\/h3>\n
Do therapists love their clients? Yes.<\/em><\/h4>\n
<\/a><\/p>\nNow. Here’s what therapists’ love should not<\/em> be:<\/h3>\n
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Psychosyrupy<\/em><\/h3>\n
Eros<\/h3>\n
Therapists’ love is not the acted-out-sexually kind of love.<\/h4>\n
Therapists’ love can be genuine, heartfelt, nuanced and layered. And real<\/em>.<\/h3>\n
But even if they don’t say so directly: Therapists love their clients.<\/em><\/h3>\n
And here’s the thing:<\/h3>\n
Resources:<\/h3>\n
Articles:<\/h4>\n
Videos:<\/h4>\n
Reading For Therapists:<\/h4>\n