![\"Does](\"http:\/\/emmacameron.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/09\/Does-Your-TherapistGet-it-Wrong.jpg\")
<\/a>Does Your Therapist Ever Get Something Wrong?<\/h2>\nMaybe she mis-remembers something you\u2019d told her. Makes a mistake with your session time or your fee. Doesn\u2019t understand something important you are trying to express. Goes on holiday at a time when you really need her around.<\/p>\n
When these things happen, how do you feel? You really mind<\/em>, right?<\/p>\n If so, stop kicking yourself for minding. I\u2019m here to tell you that this is fine.\u00a0Not just fine, in fact, but a positively important and necessary part of the healing process of psychotherapy.<\/p>\n I’ll try and explain.<\/p>\n To get the most benefit and healing from your therapy, it\u2019s necessary to allow yourself to feel vulnerable and have feelings of all kinds when you are in the therapy room.<\/p>\n And when you do this, you are allowing your therapist to matter to you. You start to feel attached. Your defences are down, at least partly. This is a major part of how therapy works.<\/p>\n And feeling attached like this comes with a scary (or at least, it feels scary at first) side-effect: you can feel vulnerable, exposed, and easily hurt by things that in other circumstances, with other people, might seem trivial and routine.<\/p>\n I was talking with a friend recently and we were discussing some of the \u2018crimes\u2019 our therapists had committed over the years. Here\u2019s a taste of the kinds of things that I told my friend I\u2019d really minded about, at the time:<\/p>\n [Warning: if you\u2019re not already in therapy with a therapist you care about, stop reading now, because this list is going to seem quite bizarre to you!]<\/i><\/p>\n Over-sensitive? Maybe. When we’re in the middle of it, therapy can bring out the most excruciating sensitivities in us.\u00a0(Especially for those who are an HSP – Highly Sensitive Person. Read my HSP page<\/a> if you’re wondering about whether this applies to you.)<\/p>\n It can bring us to our knees, wondering how we can be so ridiculous as to care about a tiny little thing.<\/p>\n It can make us vow: “Right, that does it, I knew<\/em> this was a waste of time. I can\u2019t believe<\/i> I\u2019m upset about that. I must be going crazy! I need to stop going to therapy”.<\/p>\n Because we are also feeling so hurt and\/or angry. \u2018How could she do that to me? How could she refer to my partner by the wrong name? She obviously hates me\/ never listens to a word I say\/ is a useless therapist\/ wishes I would leave therapy\/ is just like all the other people who\u2019ve let me down\u2019.<\/i><\/p>\n Or, even worse, we jump into shame and self-blame. \u2018It\u2019s because I\u2019m so stupid\/ forgettable\/ ridiculous\/ a failure\/ will never get anything right\u2019<\/i>.<\/p>\n And then you might spot something. In your relationship with your therapist, something is happening that is oddly similar<\/strong> to the problems you came into therapy hoping to solve!<\/p>\n There\u2019s gold here. Stay with it.<\/p>\n Because talking about<\/i> your problems in therapy may bring some relief, but it probably won\u2019t change things.<\/p>\n Enacting something – being in<\/i> it, in a felt way, such as when you’re feeling hurt or angry towards your therapist – and at the same time, with your therapist\u2019s active participation, being able to slow down, unpick, discuss, resolve, and perhaps forgive the other person and yourself: this can be healing.\u00a0Deeply, profoundly healing.<\/p>\n In psychotherapy-speak, we call it \u2018enactment*\u2019 and we also talk about \u2018rupture and repair\u2019.<\/p>\n There\u2019s a rupture (the therapist gets it wrong in some way, and the client feels hurt, angry, ashamed etc in response to this) and then between them, the client and therapist find a way to repair the rupture<\/i>.<\/p>\n And strangely enough, the rupture-and-repair process is how we grow as people, and part of how we live. I\u2019m talking about outside the therapy room, as well as inside it.<\/p>\n Rupture is not bad, in itself.\u00a0Real life is not (cannot be) about avoiding any ruptures. I suspect that a life in which all ruptures were avoided would be dull and safe and passionless and would feel pretty pointless.<\/p>\n But the repair is crucially important<\/strong>. What can lead to great damage is the rupture-without<\/i>-repair process. Rupture-without-repair can lead a person to feel shameful, hateful, confused, blaming, and with a deep sense of themselves and\/or others being \u2018not okay\u2019.<\/p>\n And sadly, the other people in our lives (like our families and friends) may not be too good at the repair process. So what can happen is this: There’s a rupture. You (and\/or they) feel anxious, or hurt, or angry in response. So then you each do that thing you always do<\/i>. You slip into your go-to method of coping in a crisis.<\/p>\n What\u2019s your tried-and-tested automatic procedure when there’s been a rupture between you and someone important in your life?<\/p>\n The repair that\u2019s so needed can\u2019t happen. And you feel worse and worse.<\/p>\n But with your therapist, it can be different.<\/strong> She or he is trained to help you with your experiences of rupture, and to actively live through ruptures with you so that things can be done differently. The small ruptures (like when your therapist makes a mistake) are actually a great training ground!<\/p>\n Here\u2019s where you can really use your therapy to best effect. Because when you are in the middle of a feeling, the brain is in a particularly changeable state.<\/p>\n Which means that if you are feeling hurt or angry feelings towards your therapist, because of that thing that they\u2019ve done wrong \u2014 this is an incredible opportunity for you to experience something new and different, and healing.<\/p>\n So you respond to your therapist\u2019s error in your usual way (running away, or lashing out, or going silent, or whatever your pattern is) \u2014 but an amazing thing happens<\/strong>**.<\/p>\n Your therapist hears you<\/em>.<\/p>\n She doesn’t shout back, or go silent on you, or run away from you in horror. Instead, she sits and stays centred (or tries to).<\/p>\n She may apologise, if she agrees that she got it wrong. Alternatively, she may explain why she did or said what she did. Or she may have a different reaction. But here’s the really, really<\/i> important thing: She doesn’t collapse, and she doesn’t retaliate<\/i>.<\/p>\n Your therapist stays connected to you.<\/strong><\/p>\n This is profoundly healing. And it may need to happen time and time again, before it sinks in enough.<\/p>\n And gradually over time, instead of running away (or lashing out, or whatever your pattern is) you can try out and practise what happens when you do the unthinkable, the assertive, the straightforward and yet somehow agonisingly almost-impossible thing: of responding in a way that feels like a repair is happening.<\/p>\n Tell her when you feel misunderstood, hurt, angry, neglected, blaming.<\/p>\n Stay with it, and work it out between you. Gradually, over time, you\u2019ll feel fuller inside, more compassionate towards yourself and others, calmer, more confident and resilient.<\/p>\n ** I’m writing about most psychotherapists here, the ones who are well-trained, well-supported and who know their own process well enough so that they don’t fall into being defensive or attacking (or, if they do, they quickly pull out of it and can talk with you in a connected and empathic way about it). However, not all therapists can do this.<\/strong> If you have concerns about your therapist, and you have discussed these concerns with her\/him and are left still feeling concerned, you may need to end therapy and\/or speak to their professional regulatory body.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n I’m certainly not perfect. Sometimes I make mistakes with my clients. But I always encourage my clients to talk to me about when they feel I’ve got something wrong, so that together we can work on whatever needs doing so that we can repair (and learn from) the rupture. I see clients for AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy) and Integrative Arts Psychotherapy near Colchester, Essex, and also online therapy via Zoom (which is like Skype). If you’re interested in discussing the possibility of working with me, please email me at espcameron@protonmail.com. I offer a free 15-minute phone consultation to prospective clients.<\/p>\n *For a lovely article about this same topic, visit psychotherapist Martha Crawford’s blog at\u00a0http:\/\/whatashrinkthinks.com\/2011\/06\/13\/enactment\/<\/a><\/em><\/p>\nWhen Your Therapist Lets You Down<\/h3>\n
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Spotting the Gold<\/h4>\n
Rupture and Repair<\/h4>\n
What Do You Normally Do When There’s a Rupture?<\/h4>\n
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Changing Your Brain<\/h4>\n
So talk with your therapist when she gets something wrong.<\/h4>\n
And then you\u2019ll know – the therapy is probably working!<\/strong><\/h2>\n
Important Note<\/h3>\n