Do therapists love their clients?
If you’re in therapy, you may have wondered how your therapist feels about you. Do therapists love their clients?
A few months into the therapy process, I started to wonder about love. Specifically, Do therapists love their clients?
I remember asking my therapist directly, “How do you feel about me?” and getting the straightforward yet frustrating answer “I have lots of feelings about you; and when I think it might be helpful to tell you about them, I do so”.
Hmm.
Really, what I wanted to know was “Do you love me?”
Do therapists love their clients? I wondered. And, more to the point: Do you love me?
I didn’t dare ask outright.
I thought the answer would either be No, or Yes.
And to be honest, the thought of getting either of those answers was pretty scary.
I certainly didn’t want to hear a No.
And yet, if I heard Yes, where would that leave me? Would my therapist somehow try and seduce me? Would I now have to live up to something or risk losing the love? Would I have some strange burden to bear?
So I never asked. But for a long time I wondered: Do therapists love their clients?
And over time, I came to realise that there is never a simple yes/no dichotomy when it comes to love.
And that applies whether we’re talking about therapists and clients, romantic partners, best friends, and even parents and children (if you’ve ever been up all night with a screaming baby, or dealt with a toddler tantrum in a public place, you probably know that love is not the only feeling you have for them!).
But still… Do therapists love their clients?
I’m now a therapist. And as such, I can get the inside scoop about such questions. In two ways.
One: I have access to my own feelings towards my clients.
Two: I sometimes get to hear other therapists talking about their work. Not about their clients, exactly (confidentiality is taken very seriously); but about their own feelings and experiences.
Like last week.
Therapists talking together
Recently I was privileged to attend a one-day masterclass/ seminar led by Susie Orbach, possibly the best-known contemporary psychotherapist in the UK. The title was ‘Resolving Clinical Dilemmas in Therapy’.
We listened to excerpts from recordings from the radio series ‘In Therapy’. In this series, Susie Orbach was the therapist, with actors playing people coming for therapy.
Orbach invited us to discuss clinical dilemmas raised. From many angles, we looked at choice-points, questions and conundrums.
Orbach gave frank, warm and layered insights and perspectives, sparked by the incredible (and impressively realistic) ‘sessions’ we heard.
And yes, we talked about Love.
Therapists’ love for their clients, and clients’ love for their therapists.
Love is a word that can incorporate so many layers, vagaries, and characteristics.
Love can be longing.
Love can be yearning.
Love can be a spark glimpsed, a spark of wanting to live again.
Love can be hope.
Love can be excitement, a spring in the step.
Love can be a fountain of creativity.
Love can be deep, warm comfort.
Love can be compassionate loving-kindness.
Love can be in shared smiles and laughs; even in ‘gallows humour’.
Love can be about feeling met: truly seen and heard.
Love can be holding someone in mind; thinking deeply about them.
Love can be terribly, painfully sad (think of grief and loss).
Love can be a tender, vulnerable sweetness.
And yes, sometimes (but not always) love can be erotic, passionate desire.
So… do they? Do therapists love their clients?
Yes.
Not always. Not only. Not just.
But love is very often there, playing out in its different ways.
“Love, in all its forms, ineffable and undefinable, is the oil that suspends the wheels and surrounds the entire mechanism so that therapeutic work can take place at all.” – Martha Crawford
Do therapists love their clients? Click To Tweet
COAL: Some Building Blocks of Love
In his book ‘The Mindful Therapist’ neurobiologist and psychiatrist Dr Daniel Siegel uses the acronym COAL. It stands for this: Curiosity, plus Openness, plus Acceptance – leads to Love.
Curiosity
Good therapists have a stance of being curious: being really, genuinely interested in and trying to deeply understand their client.
Openness
Therapists aren’t usually that open with clients about their own private lives (with good reason). But therapists aim to keep themselves open to flexible ways of thinking about the client and his/her difficulties.
Therapists also endeavour to have an openness to their own intuitions and feelings about their client. They hold these in their mind alongside their thoughts about psychological theories and techniques.
Acceptance
Therapists know that if the client does not feel accepted, he or she will not make progress in therapy. Therapists suspend judgements and pre-set ideas about their clients.
Therapists aim to help and support the client to know, accept and understand all of him/herself. Once we feel more acceptable, we can make better and wiser choices in our life. (And we are in a much stronger position to truly accept others, too, and relate better to them).
And, um… **cough** Do therapists hate their clients?
Do therapists hate their clients sometimes? Click To TweetAbsolutely they can. Again, not always. Not only. Not just.
Renowned psychotherapist Dr D.W. Winnicott once wrote a famous (and much-admired) paper which included a long list of reasons for a mother to hate her baby. He was talking about reasons therapists will, in some moments, have complex feelings about their clients, and these feelings may include hate.
He was also saying, Look, these relationships are intense, they are emotionally meaningful, and they help people to deeply change and grow: of course there will be hate, AND love, both. (And many other feelings besides).
“But I’ve heard that love in therapy is just about transference and countertransference.”
Well, yes and no.
Transference is about how we transfer feelings that we have had towards influential people in our past**, on to people we meet day-to-day.
Transference happens all the time in various ways, and it’s usually evident in the therapy relationship.
(Countertransference is just the word that gets used when we talk about the therapist’s feelings towards the client.)
Is love in therapy just about the transference? Click To TweetIf you feel loved by your therapist, this might be telling us something about your transference onto him/ her.
And it might also be because your therapist genuinely feels loving towards you.
(Transference feelings, by the way, are really useful in therapy, so please don’t try and hide them out of awkwardness, shame, or anxiety. Speak about them with your therapist, so that this can helpfully contribute to the work you are doing together).
Transference isn’t fake. When we feel a transference feeling towards someone, it’s a real feeling in us (which may – or may not – give accurate information about the other person’s feelings towards us).
When a therapist feels loving (or anything else) in her countertransference towards a client, it’s a real feeling she is having. The therapist uses her own feelings partly as useful information to help guide the work, and partly as fuel and tools to help power the therapeutic work.
Beholding
Do you ever sense your therapist beholding you – attending to you with an open-hearted curiosity, openness, and acceptance?
One word for that ‘beholding’ is love.
It doesn’t mean your therapist desires you like a lover, or loves you like their child, or wants you as their best friend.
This kind of love is not possessive, nor acted out sexually.
But this kind of love – some call it ‘agape’ from the Ancient Greek word for the kind of love that a wise, caring grandparent might have for their grandchild – still counts as love.
Do therapists love their clients? Yes.
Now. Here’s what therapists’ love should not be:
- ‘Psychosyrupy’
- Sexual behaviour
Psychosyrupy
I came across this term recently in Jon Frederickson’s fabulous book ‘The Lies We Tell Ourselves’. Psychosyrupy is a kind of gooey, lovey-dovey kind of pseudotherapeutic relationship which is characterised by lack of challenge, clarity and boundaries, and which might seem loving but doesn’t actually help clients individuate and grow.
‘Tea-and-sympathy’ might be comforting when you are sitting with a friend or neighbour, and it certainly has its value (and yes, it can include love) but it is very different from what effective therapists offer.
Therapists’ love is not the tea-and-sympathy, psychosyrupy kind of love.
But just because your therapist is boundaried and professional, and getting paid for their expertise and time, doesn’t mean love isn’t part of the picture.
Love in psychotherapy: is it psychosyrupy? Click To TweetEros
Therapists’ love is not the acted-out-sexually kind of love.
Therapists have bodies, and feelings. It is not unknown for a therapist to have a client for whom they experience erotic feelings. Responsible therapists process these feelings in professional supervision or their own therapy. (They don’t discuss their desire with their clients, because this would be unlikely to be helpful for the client’s therapeutic work).
It’s important to remember that there is a big difference between feeling something, versus acting on the feeling.
If your therapist (god forbid) tries to act out their erotic desire with you, this is not a helpful or therapeutic kind of love. This is abuse of power, and it is never okay (and should be reported to their professional organisation).
Therapists’ love can be genuine, heartfelt, nuanced and layered. And real.
Most therapists won’t tell their clients directly that they love them. There are many reasons why they don’t, some rooted in therapeutic effectiveness, and some rooted in an anxiety that it could be interpreted as manipulative or misread as an invitation.
But even if they don’t say so directly: Therapists love their clients.
Therapists don’t always love their clients.
Therapists don’t feel only love for their clients.
Therapists love their clients in various ways, at various times.
And yes, I’m sure there must be some therapists out there who never love their clients.
But love is around in the therapy relationship, a lot more than we might think or recognise.
Sigmund Freud, the founder of psychoanalysis, even described therapy as a ‘cure by love’.
“I’m thankful that I’ve never met a patient that I couldn’t love or couldn’t learn to love.” – Jason Mihalko
And here’s the thing:
The challenge for clients (and I’m including myself in this) is to discover ways to take in the love.
To really feel loved inside.
To find ways to feel filled up by the love of others (including the therapist) and to discover the healing power of self-compassion.
Sounds easy?
Nope, not easy, for many of us. But possible, over time and with repeated instances and real, felt experiences.
The issue, you see, isn’t so much about whether your therapist loves you.
It’s more about whether you can make use of that love, take it in and transform it – and when therapy comes to an end, carry it in your heart as a precious gift and reliable inner resource.
Because when you really feel love inside of you, and can take in the love that others give, then you don’t have to hunt for it in unhealthy ways. And you’ll have more love to give out to others, to help make our world a more loving, fair and supportive place.
Have you felt loved by your therapist? Was it hard to recognise or to take in? And were you able to use it to help you to accept and have compassion and love for yourself? And if you’re a therapist yourself, what are your thoughts on love in therapy: do therapists love their clients?
I’d love to read your comments below.
Resources:
*You may still be able to hear BBC Radio 4’s ‘In Therapy’ via BBC iPlayer Radio.
Articles:
Alison Crosthwait: Love in Therapy
Jason Mihalko: Dear Young Therapist, Don’t be Afraid to Love
Jassy Timberlake: Falling in Love
Dr Kelly Flanagan: An Open Letter From a Therapist to his Clients
Dr Jeffery Smith: Attachment to Your Therapist
NYU Course on Love (love in therapy is briefly mentioned)
Laura K. Kerr: When Soul Informs Psychotherapy
Videos:
Stephanie Law Can Therapists Love Their Clients?
Christine Hutchison Falling in Love in Therapy
Richard LaBrie, Psy.D Love for two clients and for his own therapist
Reading For Therapists:
David Mann: Psychotherapy: An Erotic Relationship
Kerry Thomas-Anttila: The Therapist’s Love
Karen Maroda: Seduction, Surrender and Transformation: Emotional Engagement in the Analytic Process
** This brain structuring and shaping happens most dramatically in our early months and years, by a combination of factors including (most powerfully) our relationships.
Wow Emma, Susie Orbach sure did inspire you! Beautifully written & illustrated blog about the complexities and nuances of love, Do I love my clients? Did I want my therapist to love me? Absolutely. Buy yes it is so much about the complexities of that human need to be loved and of course can we take it in and use it to nourish us? That’s the challenge.
Thanks Marg, I know you’re a therapist too and it’s great to hear you agree.
Emma,
What a thought provoking article! While reading I was thinking – yes I love my clients, but it’s not a motherly or sisterly love or a friendship love, it is more of a love of their humanity. It’s not a sexual or romantic love. A recognition of our shared humanity, and yes – loving kindness. It’s compassion – as I now understand it. I am reminded of the greeting “Namaste,” often followed during yoga class with “the Spirit in me honors the Spirit in you.” That is what my love for my clients feels like. It is truly a unique experience, colored by my own attachment style and the client’s attachment style.
Thanks for writing this!! I really enjoyed it!
I love your description, Laura! Thank you for sharing your experience of love in therapy.
A fabulous article Emma. Richard Erskine talks about Love as one of 8 Relational needs, that like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, are life-long and necessary for healing Relational ruptures in the past.
Sounds like you had an amazing training day
Chris Redfern
Thanks Chris! I’m a big fan of Richard Erskine – you’ve prompted me to go back to my bookshelves and take a look.
I fell in love a little bit reading it, your writing and understanding is beautiful and I am grateful that you shared this.
Thank you so much Cal! Having more love in our lives is probably always a good thing, and therapy is one of the many places we can discover it.
Love
Exquisitely written. Made me feel loved. I can take it in! Thank you 🙂
Thank you for the feedback! It’s good to hear.
Dear Emma,
Thank you for this thoughtful post. I have had deep feelings of love for my therapist for several months. They have never been of the erotic or passionate sense but rather those of warmth, caring and positive regard. Prior to this therapeutic relationship I had never experienced such affection from someone who I didn’t perceive as “supposed” to love me (i.e. my husband). Understanding this dynamic has drastically changed my perception of myself…from someone who is worthless and odd to someone who is genuinely love-able. I find myself with a self confidence I never had before (I’m 39) and the ability to meet and make new friends who enrich my life in so many ways. I have even grown closer to my husband and appreciate him more than ever before (16 years of marriage). As a clergy person, love for others is a part of who I am, though I never felt I had received it in return in much the same way. My therapist has told me he loves me. I have told him the same. It has never felt odd or inappropriate, just genuine. I am grateful for his willingness to share his feelings with me. It has truly changed my life. I know when the time comes it will be difficult to end our relationship but I also know that that is ultimately the goal.
Love, agape, is incredibly powerful. Thank you for taking the risk to love others.
Thanks so much for sharing your experience! What you are experiencing sounds really transformative. Great to hear that for you, the therapy relationship “has drastically changed my perception of myself…from someone who is worthless and odd to someone who is genuinely love-able”.
I’m a doctoral candidate, in therapy myself. After a terrible sexual assault by a clinical supervisor (no worries – it’s reported), I’ve been grappling with the “l” word – and all its uses as my sense of reality has been completely demolished. The trauma has unleashed a whole host of issues within my personal life, and, obviously, my professional life as I push forward to heal and complete my degree. My therapist has been with me – before, during, and after the incident. She’s been a presence like no other. Though I never wanted it or even expected to want it before, lately I’ve been struggling with wanting to hear her confirm what I think I sense to be true (just to validate that my “knowing” is true). I feel confused when I ask for this, because as a clinician in training, I don’t think I’d ever say “I love you” to a client who asked, even if, indeed, it’s true.
Because, it’s not about a yes or a no. It’s not a categorical question, even if posed as such.
And yet, I’ve been so twisted up over this concept of unconditional positive regard, it’s similarities and differences from unconditional love. UPR doesn’t capture that therapists are, after all, human, and beyond all the terms they/we use in session to beat around the “l” word, at the end of the day, they/we really do have feelings. As clients, one’s just not privy to them. It’s sort of a hard pill to swallow, though, it’s swallowable. Perhaps there’s comfort there. Somewhere.
Thank you for this. (((THANK YOU))).
Thank you also, for all the amazing links on the topic.
I’m sorry you’ve been going through such a painful experience, and it’s wonderful that you feel your therapist there as a really solid and loving resource. It sounds like the relationship you have with your therapist is invaluable in helping you navigate the trauma you’ve been through, and everything that’s been stirred up.
And thank you for taking the time to comment on this blog post; it’s so good to know that it’s resonating.
I came across your wonderful website whilst looking for reasons to (or not to) quit therapy and found your list of 17 reasons people think about quitting incredibly helpful. This article has made me feel a bit heartbroken… my therapist knows one of my main issues is feeling unlikeable (let alone lovable!) and she knows I feel fond of her and dependent on her and yet never gives me any reassurance that I’m at least tolerable – hence thinking of quitting because it’s just making the pain worse! Seeing other people comment that they have had positive reactions from their therapists after being honest about their feelings reinforces that I’m either a) impossible to like or b) seeing the wrong therapist.
Hi Louise. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot of strong emotions in relation to your therapy. Your word ‘heartbroken’ is full of feeling. I can’t advise on your particular situation, of course. But a resource you might find interesting and helpful (regarding your difficulties in feeling likeable, tolerable, loveable, etc) is a book called “Loveable’ by Dr Kelly Flanagan. Another suggestion I have is that you talk with your therapist about reading this article, and what it brought up for you. Good luck!
Thank you Emma
arghh! Way too much of the ‘G’ word in this book… will leave it on a park bench – maybe someone else will benefit from it! 😉
I loved reading this article. I have strong transference feelings for my counselor and she actually reassured me that she has strong countertransference feelings for me (appropriate, with strong boundaries in place). While I wish the boundaries could be loosened and we would be allowed to “hang out” and go get coffee or text all day or call everyday, we have a strict agreement we can only call or text about scheduling appts and times and such. I admire her for admitting to her love for me, yet not allowing those feelings to cross over into unethical things. Thanks again for this article!
Thank you for this well written article. Love in therapy can be extremely complex. I’ve been told “It’s not real”, “It’s just therapy love” and so on.
I’ve learned not to discuss it with anyone who has never experienced long-term, emotionally intense therapy because I don’t want to hear the gasps of horror.
I’ve struggled immensely with wondering if my therapist loves me. He did not know what hit him when we met. Neither of us knew how intense this relationship would become because of so much upheaval, child trauma and crisis in my life and the bond we forged. It has been an extremely varied and complex relationship. We have talked about love in a general sense, because I never knew what it was or received any. He said it is different for everyone and impossible to define; I liked that response because I believe it now to be very true. I will never let anyone tell me what I feel for my therapist is not love, it is.
So, one day we have an ’emergency’ phone call after a session. I asked him if he loves me a little bit, just like a frightened kid would ask in a whisper. I don’t think I could have asked him that question in person, and I wanted to hang up and run away. Of course, he says we will discuss at the next session. Typical!
In a follow-up email I told him he would surely forget my question and my question would be forgotten. Well, he did not forget and he steered me in that direction in person. Of course, he did his therapeutic dance with me, which I totally expected, but went with it. I wanted a definitive YES or NO, dammit!
So we talked and unfolded those feelings as I did much of the unfolding with the delicate way he was working with me. It was uncomfortable and was not sure I would get the answer I needed or wanted. I knew he was not going to come out and say the WORD. At the end of the session it was quite clear that I answered my own question with the definitive YES. What a feeling! I have felt loved by him many times and told him if I had experienced this on a consistent basis when I was younger, my whole life would have been so different. So, it is real. It is very real love.
BTW, Dr. Jeffery Smith’s articles are excellent!! I discovered him years ago.
Thank you for letting me share this.
Thanks for sharing your experience, Summer
I am so relieved that I came across this article. It was so well worded. I have often wondered if a therapist loved their clients. I am a teacher and I love all my students and have often wondered if it was similar for therapists. I have found it difficult not to feel love toward my therapist. She understands and has never judged me. I was worried about how I was feeling… but it appears that it’s normal. Thank you so much for this insight.
I’m so glad you found this article helpful, Crystal!
The problem with talking about love in therapy is that it’s a different kind of love to love in the ‘real world’ and therapists need to make that very explicit. My therapist told me she loved me but now after 8 years is retiring and essentially abandoning me. To me that is not love. I think it’s dangerous to say you love a client without talking about the ways that love differs to love from other people. You need to be so careful with this especially when working with people who have already been so hurt by people who supposedly loved them. I don’t want anyone to get hurt by this the way I have been in therapy.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts Belle.
I guess I was trying to say in my conclusion that ideally we grow to find ways that we can internalise the love we experience from our therapist, so that when therapy ends (as it always does, at some point) we can take it with us. It’s not that easy though, as you have found! I hope you find a way through this difficult time.